Postpartum depression

Tiffany here--

Ladies please take the time to read this article, it is so sad that so many women suffer in silence. Postpartum depression is real and it needs to be seen as something that is really happening to so many women.


http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/03/13/174214166/postpartum-depression-affects-1-in-7-women

I love this newsletter and have been receiving Dr Laura Markham posts for some years now.....this one I had to share! Check out Aha!Parenting.com

Should You Intervene in a Sibling Fight?

"When your son and daughter are fighting with each other, you want them to learn to resolve their differences successfully, but you may have never learned to successfully work through conflicts yourself. Before you can teach your kids to listen, identify the problem, express their feelings, generate solutions, and find common ground, you have to learn those problem-solving skills yourself"- Laura Davis & Janis Keyser

Should you intervene in a sibling fight?  If they're working it out well themselves, No. And often, children do. They're endlessly creative. Conflict is actually good for them, because it teaches them how to work things out with other people. As Pamela Dugdale says, “Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring, quite often the hard way.” 

So remind yourself that a certain amount sibling squabbling is not only normal, but necessary.  If "peace" depends on kids being forced to swallow their needs to accommodate siblings on a regular basis, it isn't good for either of them. Your children need to develop their voices, learn how to express their needs, try out strategies to meet their goals.

But they also need to learn to listen to each other, empathize, and regulate their anger rather than dumping on others.  While our modeling helps with these skills, most kids need some targeted coaching to use them, at least when emotions are running hot.

So when you hear your children beginning to fight, don't rush in. Instead, listen. Watch. If your kids seem stuck, or the anger is escalating, they might need your support to learn some new skills. Don't try to figure out who started it, who provoked who, or who hit who back first.  Not only does that never work, it sets kids up to be victims and bullies. Instead, see yourself as a conflict resolution coach. For instance:

Charley:  "Jane, did you play with my Pokemon cards?  You did!  You messed them all up!"

Jane: "I didn't hurt your stupid cards."

Charley: "They are not stupid, you're stupid!"

Jane: "Get out of my room!"

Charley:  "You're not the boss of me!"

Jane:  "I'm the boss of my room! Get out!"

Charley: "You messed up my cards!  I'll mess up your room!"  (CRASH!)

Jane:  "I hate you, Charley! MOM!!"

What should Mom do? 

Mom:  (Thinking)  Hmm...should I get involved?  I'm busy cooking dinner, and sometimes, they work it out.  But in this case, it sounds explosive.  Maybe this is a good chance to teach them better skills to work things out together.
(Turns off the stove, takes a deep breath and reminds herself to stay calm. Research shows that one of the most important things parents can do to help kids learn to manage their emotions is to stay calm themselves. Kids need to experience their parents as a "holding environment" -- a safe harbor in the storm of their turbulent feelings. If we can stay calm and soothe our children, they will eventually learn to stay calm themselves, which is the first step in learning to manage their feelings.)

Mom: (Speaking as she enters Jane's bedroom) "I hear some loud, angry voices. What's going on?"
Charley:  "Jane messed up my Pokemon cards!" 
Jane: "Charley wrecked the animal zoo I built!"
Notice Mom doesn't start yelling at each child for their "offenses." She doesn't try to dispense "justice" because she knows that this argument is part of a larger tapestry, and she can't possibly see the whole picture. That will only backfire. Instead, she refuses to take sides, but acknowledges both children.

Mom: (empathizing with both kids)  "You two are really upset!
Jane: "I hate you, Charley!"
Charley: "I hate you more, Jane!"
Mom: (Taking a deep breath to stay calm, and setting a limit.) "The rule in our house is that we treat each other with kindness and respect. I hear screaming and hurtful language.  Let's all sit down.  Come on Charley, sit down right here next to me.  Jane, right here on my other side.  Now, let's everyone take three deep breaths so we can calm down and listen to each other......one....two.....three.  Ok, I want to hear what's upsetting each of you so much.  One at a time.  Last time, Charley went first.  This time, Jane goes first.  Jane, what happened?"

Jane:  "Charley knocked down my animal zoo.  I worked so hard on that with Sophie.  We were going to play with it again tomorrow."
Mom:  "Charley knocked down your zoo and you're really mad, huh?  I see all the blocks and animals all over.......Jane, anything else happen?" 
Jane: "I told him to get out of my room and he wouldn't.  Isn't that the rule?  That he has to get out?"
Mom:  "You want Charley to leave your room when you tell him to.  That was our family agreement, you're right......Charley, can you tell us what happened from your perspective?"
Charley:  "Jane messed up my pokemon cards! She''s not allowed to touch them. She went into my room to get them.  She broke the rule too!"
Mom:  "So you're mad that Jane went in your room and messed up your Pokemon cards.  And you came in her room to tell her?"
Jane: "But he came in and wouldn't get out, and he wrecked my zoo!"
Mom: "One at a time.  Jane, it's Charley's turn to talk now.  You'll get your turn in a moment.  Charley?"
Charley: "Ok, I knocked over the zoo, but that was because she called my cards stupid! "
Mom: "Let me see if I got this right.  Charley, you were very angry that Jane went in your room and played with your cards.  Then she called them stupid and hurt your feelings.  Then she told you to get out of her room.  Is that right?"
Charley: "Yes!"  
Mom:  "And you were so mad, you knocked down her zoo?"
Charley:  "Yes!"
Mom:  "Ok, thank you for telling us.  I see you are working hard to stay calm so we can work this out.  Jane, let me see if I understand.  You were playing and Charley came in very angry and you told him to leave, right?"  
Jane:  "Yes."
Mom: "And he was so mad, he knocked over your zoo?"
Jane: "Yes, and now I'm more mad!  The whole elephant house is wrecked."

Why go through this? 

1. So each child will feel heard.

2. So each child will get a chance to reflect and to see how their actions got them into this situation.

3. So each child will hear each others' side of the story, to develop empathy and social intelligence about the motivations of others. 

Mom:  (Empathizing and describing.)  "So we have two very angry kids here.  You are both very upset.  Jane's animal zoo is wrecked and Charley's pokemon cards are messed up. And you two are shouting hurtful things at each other, so both of you are hurting in your hearts, and your relationship is hurting right now, too.

Mom:  (Helping kids to reflect on what the other child felt and how they contributed to the problem.) "Now I want each of you to imagine what the other one was feeling during the fight.  Jane, what do you think Charley was feeling when he came in your room?"
Jane:  "He was mad."
Mom:  "Yes....and when he talked to you, did that make him feel better?"
Jane: "Well....I guess not."
Charley: "You know you were trying to make me feel worse!"
Mom: "Charley, Jane is talking now, and you and I are listening and breathing so we can stay calm....Jane, what do you think happened inside Charley when he came into your room?"
Jane: "I called his cards stupid....and he got madder...and I told him to leave....and he got madder....."
Mom: "Hmmm....Do you think there was anything different you could have done?"
Jane: "All right, I know.  I could have apologized for playing with his cards.  I know.  But he plays with my things too."
Mom:  "Right now we're talking about what just happened. Is there anything you could have done to make things go differently?"
Jane: "Well, he's the one who knocked down my zoo!"
Mom: "Yes, he did.  But right now I'm wondering if you see anything you had the power to do that would have made things unfold differently."
Jane:  "I could have been nicer and apologized.  I didn't have to call his cards stupid."
Mom: "So you think that if you had apologized when he first came in, he might not have gotten so mad?.....Charley, if Jane had done that, would that have changed how you felt?"
Charley: "I would still have been mad that she messed up my cards.  But I wouldn't have knocked down her zoo."
Mom:  "So Charley, what do you think Jane was feeling during your fight?  And what could you have done differently?"

You can see where Mom is going here.  Next, she'll ask each child if there is anything they can do to repair things with the other child.  By the end of the conversation, it might even work out that Charley and Jane will work together to rebuild the zoo.

Of course, you can't do this every night.  Mom is way behind on getting dinner on the table.  But the good news is, you don't have to.  if you do this for awhile, your children will begin to learn the skills you're teaching.  And you'll be amazed to see your children (maybe with some prompting from you) beginning to work things out without your intervention.

You'll probably find everyone in your family is calmer, and a better listener, once you get this habit going.  Even you!

May you make miracles today, large and small.
Blessings,
Dr. Laura

Tiffany here--

I have been doing some much needed updates to our website the past few days and would really like to be able to add more testimonials and birth stories to the website from our past Tree of Life families. If you are willing to write a short testimonial about Tree of Life or have a birth story written that you don't mind us putting on our website please email me at: tiffany_wayte@hotmail.com. Also if you have a slide show or video from your birth that can go on our website send that as well. We would love for possible future clients to see all your wonderful birth experiences. 

Thank You!

Tiffany here--

I have been really bad at keeping our website and blog updated and I am sorry about that. From here on out I am going to try harder at keeping everything up-to-date. I know I am always excited when one of our Tree of Life moms has a new baby, so I want to try harder to keep our Tree of Life family updated on the happenings around here. Get ready folks some fun changes are about to take place. Every week we will have a topic that we will post articles and ask questions about. Also we will be having our midwives and students share with you their thoughts and feelings. 

This past weekend on Sunday morning a beautiful new baby girl, Daphne Hazel, was born at home in the water. She was welcomed into the world by her mom, dad, and excited big brother. Congratulations to the family and help us in welcoming Tree of Life's newest bloom. 

TOL has been Christened!

Tree of Life is thrilled to announce we have christened the Birth Center! Chase was born yesterday at 130pm 9lb7oz the third and biggest boy for this family! Chase came out direct (OP occiput posterior) or looking up instead of down. We call these babies star gazers and can definitely be more work for mommies! TOL is so honored to have been chosen to be apart of this families lives and will never forget the day Chase made us a Birth Center!

New Arrival

Precious little Owen William was born on Saturday, September 29 @ 4:04pm. Such a beautiful home birth.

Investing In Your Birth

Investing in your birth makes sense. It is one of the most memorable and life changing events that occurs in our lifetime. Why is it then that most people do more research when buying a car rather than in the birth of their child? Gas mileage, safety, resale value, and crash ratings are just a few things people research before investing in a new car. What do people research prior to giving birth? Often nothing. They show up where their insurance tells them to go and do what they are told, rarely asking questions. Investing in the birth process, options, and practitioner are important because it ultimately affects the outcome and memory you will have forever. 

Investing in your birth involves research, time, and money. It’s like the saying “what you put in you get out”.  First, you should research and invest in nutrition. I recommend perimeter shopping which involves shopping around the parameter of the grocery store and avoiding middle isles that contain boxed food that are highly processed. Whole wheat bread, grains, and pasta should substitute white, processed foods which contain little B vitamins including Folic Acid which is important in preventing Spina Bifida in the baby. Getting on a whole food prenatal vitamin which contains fruits and vegetables in the ingredients list not dyes and preservatives is also very important to prevent anemia, muscles cramps, and increase overall energy.

Taking time to interview practitioners is another crucial step to investing in your birth experience. Pregnancy is not an illness and so you aren’t being treated or cured of anything. You are hiring the practitioner and so you do have a choice and say in how you want to be treated. You can also fire them. What are your practitioner’s philosophy on natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and bonding with the newborn. Does the practitioner honor birth plans? How late can you go past your due date prior to medical induction? Do they offer any natural remedies for common discomforts or natural inductions. What is their cesarean rate and why? Midwifery is a partnership between the client and the midwife. They come to trust each other during the prenatal period and each knows the intention and goal of the other. This facilitates natural birth because the woman trusts the process and the practitioner and so can turn her brain off and just birth. Choosing a practitioner that wants to partner with you to educate you on the process of birth empowers you to make good choices during the pregnancy and recognize when complications arise.

Research the location you plan to birth in. What are the options they offer for women in labor? Is there telemetry monitoring in every room or the option for intermittent monitoring? Do they offer hydrotherapy? What is the cesarean section rate? Do they encourage rooming in with the baby? Do they provide early discharge in less than 12 hours if everything is normal with mom and baby? Where you birth is a big investment in how the overall experience will be….it’s the venue! You want to feel relaxed and safe at the same time. Many women are choosing out of hospital birth and staying home or going to a birth center because they want the overall experience to be intimate and empowering and not a medical event. Many women will say once they walked into the hospital they lost control and felt powerless over their birth. When having a homebirth the practitioner walks into your home and respects your space and desires for the birth. There are no strangers walking in or restrictions in movement or food and yet all the emergency medical equipment is available.

Finally, being prepared to spend extra money on the practitioner, classes, and extra help is a good investment for planning your birth. Enrolling in a good childbirth and breastfeeding class such as Hypnobirthing, Bradley Method, or Birthing From Within that teaches about how birth works, coping techniques, coaching tips, and afterbirth care is priceless. Avoid mainstream classes that prepare you how to be a good patient and when you’re “allowed” to get pain medication. This will help you get a good overall education on the process and options. Paying extra for a practitioner who is out of network or not covered at all may still save you money in the end if you avoid s cesarean section. Investing in a doula or labor coach who supports natural birth and is educated on options and how to support   through birth is another investment which helps prevent cesarean section.

Ultimately in the end we don’t have control over when or how birth happens. But that’s the point. We can’t control birth and too often we try. Investing the time to educate yourself on birth and researching for the person to guide you through it creates a place of peace in however it turns out. Women can accept the outcome when they understand how they got there.