I love this newsletter and have been receiving Dr Laura Markham posts for some years now.....this one I had to share! Check out Aha!Parenting.com
Should You Intervene in a Sibling Fight?
"When your son and
daughter are fighting with each other, you want them to learn to resolve their
differences successfully, but you may have never learned to successfully work
through conflicts yourself. Before you can teach your kids to listen, identify
the problem, express their feelings, generate solutions, and find common
ground, you have to learn those problem-solving skills yourself"- Laura
Davis & Janis Keyser
Should you intervene in a
sibling fight? If they're working it out well themselves, No. And often,
children do. They're endlessly creative. Conflict is actually good for them,
because it teaches them how to work things out with other people. As Pamela
Dugdale says, “Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach
us about fairness and cooperation
and kindness and caring, quite often the hard way.”
So remind yourself that a
certain amount sibling squabbling is not only normal, but necessary. If
"peace" depends on kids being forced to swallow their needs to
accommodate siblings on a regular basis, it isn't good for either of them. Your
children need to develop their voices, learn how to express their needs, try
out strategies to meet their goals.
But they also need to learn
to listen to each other, empathize, and regulate their anger rather than
dumping on others. While our modeling helps with these skills, most kids
need some targeted coaching to use them, at least when emotions are running
hot.
So when you hear your
children beginning to fight, don't rush in. Instead, listen. Watch. If your
kids seem stuck, or the anger is escalating, they might need your support to
learn some new skills. Don't try to figure out who started it, who provoked
who, or who hit who back first. Not only does that never work, it sets
kids up to be victims and bullies. Instead, see yourself as a conflict
resolution coach. For instance:
Charley: "Jane,
did you play with my Pokemon cards? You did! You messed them all
up!"
Jane: "I didn't hurt your stupid cards."
Charley: "They are not stupid, you're stupid!"
Jane: "Get out of my room!"
Charley: "You're not the boss of me!"
Jane: "I'm the boss of my room! Get out!"
Charley: "You messed up my cards! I'll mess up your room!"
(CRASH!)
Jane: "I hate you, Charley! MOM!!"
What should Mom do?
Mom: (Thinking) Hmm...should I get involved? I'm busy
cooking dinner, and sometimes, they work it out. But in this case, it
sounds explosive. Maybe this is a good chance to teach them better skills
to work things out together.
(Turns off the stove, takes a deep breath and reminds herself to stay calm.
Research shows that one of the most important things parents can do to help
kids learn to manage their emotions is to stay calm themselves. Kids need to
experience their parents as a "holding environment" -- a safe harbor
in the storm of their turbulent feelings. If we can stay calm and soothe our
children, they will eventually learn to stay calm themselves, which is the
first step in learning to manage their feelings.)
Mom: (Speaking as she
enters Jane's bedroom) "I hear some loud, angry voices. What's going
on?"
Charley: "Jane messed up my Pokemon cards!"
Jane: "Charley wrecked the animal zoo I built!"
Notice Mom doesn't start yelling at each child for their "offenses."
She doesn't try to dispense "justice" because she knows that this
argument is part of a larger tapestry, and she can't possibly see the whole
picture. That will only backfire. Instead, she refuses to take sides, but
acknowledges both children.
Mom: (empathizing with both kids) "You two are really upset!
Jane: "I hate you, Charley!"
Charley: "I hate you more, Jane!"
Mom: (Taking a deep breath to stay calm, and setting a limit.) "The
rule in our house is that we treat each other with kindness and respect. I hear
screaming and hurtful language. Let's all sit down. Come on
Charley, sit down right here next to me. Jane, right here on my other
side. Now, let's everyone take three deep breaths so we can calm down and
listen to each other......one....two.....three. Ok, I want to hear what's
upsetting each of you so much. One at a time. Last time, Charley
went first. This time, Jane goes first. Jane, what happened?"
Jane: "Charley knocked down my animal zoo. I worked so hard
on that with Sophie. We were going to play with it again tomorrow."
Mom: "Charley knocked down your zoo and you're really mad,
huh? I see all the blocks and animals all over.......Jane, anything else
happen?"
Jane: "I told him to get out of my room and he wouldn't. Isn't
that the rule? That he has to get out?"
Mom: "You want Charley to leave your room when you tell him
to. That was our family agreement, you're right......Charley, can you
tell us what happened from your perspective?"
Charley: "Jane messed up my pokemon cards! She''s not allowed to
touch them. She went into my room to get them. She broke the rule
too!"
Mom: "So you're mad that Jane went in your room and messed up
your Pokemon cards. And you came in her room to tell her?"
Jane: "But he came in and wouldn't get out, and he wrecked my
zoo!"
Mom: "One at a time. Jane, it's Charley's turn to talk now.
You'll get your turn in a moment. Charley?"
Charley: "Ok, I knocked over the zoo, but that was because she called
my cards stupid! "
Mom: "Let me see if I got this right. Charley, you were very
angry that Jane went in your room and played with your cards. Then she
called them stupid and hurt your feelings. Then she told you to get out
of her room. Is that right?"
Charley: "Yes!"
Mom: "And you were so mad, you knocked down her zoo?"
Charley: "Yes!"
Mom: "Ok, thank you for telling us. I see you are working
hard to stay calm so we can work this out. Jane, let me see if I
understand. You were playing and Charley came in very angry and you told
him to leave, right?"
Jane: "Yes."
Mom: "And he was so mad, he knocked over your zoo?"
Jane: "Yes, and now I'm more mad! The whole elephant house is wrecked."
Why go through this?
1. So each child will feel heard.
2. So each child will get a chance to reflect and to see how their actions got
them into this situation.
3. So each child will hear each others' side of the story, to develop empathy
and social intelligence about the motivations of others.
Mom: (Empathizing and describing.) "So we have two very
angry kids here. You are both very upset. Jane's animal zoo is
wrecked and Charley's pokemon cards are messed up. And you two are shouting hurtful
things at each other, so both of you are hurting in your hearts, and your
relationship is hurting right now, too.
Mom: (Helping kids to
reflect on what the other child felt and how they contributed to the problem.)
"Now I want each of you to imagine what the other one was feeling during
the fight. Jane, what do you think Charley was feeling when he came in
your room?"
Jane: "He was mad."
Mom: "Yes....and when he talked to you, did that make him feel
better?"
Jane: "Well....I guess not."
Charley: "You know you were trying to make me feel worse!"
Mom: "Charley, Jane is talking now, and you and I are listening and
breathing so we can stay calm....Jane, what do you think happened inside
Charley when he came into your room?"
Jane: "I called his cards stupid....and he got madder...and I told him
to leave....and he got madder....."
Mom: "Hmmm....Do you think there was anything different you could have
done?"
Jane: "All right, I know. I could have apologized for playing
with his cards. I know. But he plays with my things too."
Mom: "Right now we're talking about what just happened. Is there
anything you could have done to make things go differently?"
Jane: "Well, he's the one who knocked down my zoo!"
Mom: "Yes, he did. But right now I'm wondering if you see
anything you had the power to do that would have made things unfold
differently."
Jane: "I could have been nicer and apologized. I didn't
have to call his cards stupid."
Mom: "So you think that if you had apologized when he first came in, he
might not have gotten so mad?.....Charley, if Jane had done that, would that
have changed how you felt?"
Charley: "I would still have been mad that she messed up my
cards. But I wouldn't have knocked down her zoo."
Mom: "So Charley, what do you think Jane was feeling during your
fight? And what could you have done differently?"
You can see where Mom is going here. Next, she'll ask each child if there
is anything they can do to repair things with the other child. By the end
of the conversation, it might even work out that Charley and Jane will work
together to rebuild the zoo.
Of course, you can't do this every night. Mom is way behind on getting
dinner on the table. But the good news is, you don't have to. if
you do this for awhile, your children will begin to learn the skills you're
teaching. And you'll be amazed to see your children (maybe with some
prompting from you) beginning to work things out without your
intervention.
You'll probably find everyone in your family is calmer, and a better listener,
once you get this habit going. Even you!
May you make miracles
today, large and small.
Blessings,
Dr. Laura
